…and the very first, the smallest, almost invisible drop of blood that has fallen from her lips that night, that fateful night, told me as plainly as would the words, that it was the beginning of the end. She was doomed, and she would bleed in my arms all those years, suffering in silence of my feverish days and frightful, nightmare infused nights, and I had no power to stop or treat it. She would die; that was certain. I would be left alone, in the wretched solitude of a broken down existence, incapable of living without her...
~1842
***
September, 20th 1846
I am blinded with tears while writing this, and God knows whether I am in a right state to get to the end of the line. The good doctor has just been in, and left a broken man, for the worst fears of ours are now a reality. No hope, as the old man attested, exists for my poor suffering wife to get any better. Oh I wish I could be in her place, I wish I could have done anything to ease this martydom she has been enduring for years - but I have no power over the matter, and if she dies - and this she will, as the doctor said most confidently - I shall be a mere corpse of a man, for life is nothing without her.
Side by side, together we grew - and I never saw a child as lively, as bright and as charming as her - and everyone was certain to fall in love with that angel, with her sparkling violet eyes, and her raven curls. So much like me, when I was a child, Muddy keeps telling me. So much like dear Eddy - but dear Eddy could not compare in all his gloom and melancholy, to this fae child, so full of life. God, she was life itself, where I could only pass for the pale copy of death. To me, she was everything, for in her I had every single blaze of light, every single spark of life, in all its vibrant colors, that I lacked in myself.
'Several months', he said, 'several months - and not a day more, not a second more. Two or three, perhaps, he told me, struggling not to look at me, a wreck of a human being. I would not dare give her more, Eddy. She is young, but the illness has taken the best of her. She battled it for years, but even the youngest and the strongest succumb to the inevitability of death. You of all people should know that, having written all those stories. Your wife is two steps away from death, and it is you who keeps her on the threshold.'
'Would you rather I let go?' I asked him, and he backed away, shocked by my hoarse voice. ' Would you rather have me...what would you have me do?'
The room was spinning before me, blinding me - and I collapsed on the floor. Five nights without sleep proved to be my undoing, for I have watched over my darling angel restlessly, trying to comfort her with all the meager means I had.
And now he tells me there is no hope?..
' Eddy, you need rest' he told me, feeling my pulse ' This isn't healthy, my boy. And I most certainly do not like your breathing. Here, drink this - a cough mixture, ma'm ' he added quickly, seeing my aunt's worried expression. ' Just herbs, don't you worry. But it's so cold upstairs, and I am afraid your son in law has caught a slight chill'.
Reassured, my aunt left the room to care about Virginia upstairs, and when the door closed behind her, the doctor turned to me, his face stern and concerned.
'Is this your way of caring for yourself, young man?' he asked' Or have you decided to follow your own stories and die prematurely? Oh Eddy, I have expected a greater deal of conscience and wisdom from you. How many nights have you passed with her?'
' Last five I do recall, ' I answered, ' Yet my aunt thinks otherwise. But doctor, how can I stay behind? She is all I have"
'Let me put it like this. Plainly, so you will understand. Her condition is critical. I would be surprised if she lived longer than two months. The damage is irreparable, and it is done. Whereas you... I believe you have excacerbated your condition deliberately. I have seen wine bottles upstairs, and there are too many even for an invalid, who is perpetually cold and needs something to get some sleep. But, Eddy, laudanum, wine and spending the nights in such close proximity to a consumptive person...are you doing this on purpose?'
'I doubt that. But I have to strength and will to live. None, believe me, And when she is gone...it will be too much to bear'.
'Hear me now. If you carry on like this, you will follow her in a year. Maybe two, if you cut the wine short, and find solace in something else. But your breathing, and your overall state is the state of extreme exhaustion. And i have no restorative to prescribe. You are killing yourself, Mr. Poe, and may God help you if that is your choice'.
With these words he left, leaving me speechless and frozen in a sudden insight I was not prepared to face. He was right, and I had no objections. I was ready to follow her. '
